“For all of us, the person we love most in the world, the one who can send us soaring joyfully into space, is also the person who can send us crashing back to earth. All it takes is a slight turning of the head or flip, careless remark. There is no closeness without this sensitivity. If our connection with our mate is safe and strong, we can deal with these moments of sensitivity. Indeed, we can use them to bring our partners closer. But when we don’t feel safe and connected, these moments are like a spark in a tinder forest. They set fire to the whole relationship.” Sue Johnson Couple Therapist and Author of Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love…Read More
How to Stop Your Destructive Conversations
All of us can get irritated and reactive with our partner when upset. When this happens, it can cause a chain reaction of volatility. If our relationship is insecure, these reactions turn into negative patterns of interactional behaviour. Some people typically criticize or blame, and others stone wall, avoid or shut down. We all need to defend or protect ourselves at times of distress, especially in an intimate relationship. However, when we feel secure in the relationship, the pattern is short-lived and overcome easily. When we are in a less secure relationship, the negative communication pattern can become habitual, toxic and undermining of the entire relationship. The destructive pattern can become so ingrained and overwhelming that we can feel hopeless about changing it. When we don’t feel safe with our partner, we have to protect ourselves either by avoiding engagement by shutting down, or by becoming critical and fighting to be heard and understood…Read More
How Emotionally Responsive are You?
Research over the past two decades about what is needed for a successful and enduring relationship has made some interesting findings. Unlike other animals on the planet, human being’s long-lasting mating relationships are not just a force to promote reproduction. Love is the important emotional force that is part of the social and psychological bond between humans. Researchers have discovered that love is an aspect of the human experience which is the pinnacle of evolution and the most compelling survival mechanism of the human species. Love drives us to attach emotionally with someone who will offer us psychological shelter from the storms of life. When we feel a loving attachment bond, we feel safe, confident and secure…Read More
The Healing Power of Physical Contact
When I met James and Catherine for their first couple therapy session, they told me that they weren’t a very touchy kind of couple. They did not hug, hold hands or kiss much. When they did, it was perhaps when he was leaving for or returning from a business trip. ‘You see we are British. We aren’t nearly as demonstrative of affectionate as you North Americans.’ James explained…Read More
