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Bedtime is approaching and Jeff is dreading it. He knows what tonight will bring: the torment of another night of insomnia. Each night has become agonizingly familiar. He feels exhausted, gets into bed, turns out the light only to lie wide awake. The harder he tries to fall asleep, the more he tosses and turns, and the more frustrated he gets.
A wave of anxiety and stress comes over him as he thinks, “If I don’t get some sleep I will never be able function tomorrow!” He worries about the problems in his life: an important meeting, Friday’s deadline, his mother’s failing health. Even when he falls asleep, after just a few hours, he awakes and tosses and turns then falls asleep to get another hour before the sun rises.
When his alarm rings, Jeff drags himself out of bed, angry and depressed in the knowledge that another day feeling wiped out awaits him. Insomnia has been Jeff’s living nightmare.
All of us have experienced occasional bouts of insomnia as the result of stressful life events such as a death, a divorce, family or work-related stresses, health problems or relationship changes. For some, these short-term bouts of insomnia for a few days can turn into chronic insomnia lasting a month or more.
Insomnia is one of the most common sleep concerns adults experience. Many people try to manage it on their own, sometimes by using sleeping pills or over-the-counter sleep aids. These may help in certain situations, but they do not always address the thoughts, habits, stress, and emotional patterns that can keep insomnia going. For ongoing sleep problems, it is important to speak with a physician or qualified health professional, especially when sleep loss is severe, persistent, or connected to a medical concern.
Sleep is also closely connected to emotional life. Stress, anxiety, grief, unresolved conflict, and relationship strain can all make it harder for the body and mind to settle at night. When worry keeps returning, individual therapy can help a person better understand what is happening beneath the surface and develop a calmer way of responding.
Those of you who work shifts, travel frequently and suffer jet lag, or have babies or young children, need to be particularly diligent in learning about how to get better sleep.
Fortunately, if you understand some basic facts about sleep and insomnia, sleep can often improve by changing the patterns that keep the problem going. Dr. Gregg Jacobs, author of Say Good Night to Insomnia, outlines a practical approach that focuses on changing thoughts, habits, stress responses, and the body’s natural sleep rhythm.
Facts About Sleep and Insomnia
- Short-term insomnia can become chronic when people begin worrying about sleep loss and then engage in behaviours that seem helpful in the short run but actually sustain insomnia. Examples include going to bed earlier, sleeping later on weekends, trying to force sleep, taking naps, using alcohol, or reducing physical exercise.
- Many adults need around seven to eight hours of sleep, though sleep needs vary from person to person. A useful way to reflect on whether you are getting enough sleep is to ask:
- Do you need an alarm to wake you?
- Do you sleep late habitually on weekends?
- Do you fall asleep during meetings at work?
- Sleeping pills do not cure the pattern of insomnia itself and should be discussed with a physician, especially if they are being used regularly.
- Insomniacs often worry about the loss of sleep and may have more active brain activity before sleep than good sleepers.
- Insomnia is often a learned problem and can be unlearned by:
- changing negative stressful thoughts about sleep,
- managing stress more effectively,
- eliciting the inborn relaxation response,
- strengthening the brain’s sleep rhythm,
- receiving enough exposure to sunlight,
- exercising at the proper times in the day,
- unlearning the “trying to sleep” habit,
- using naps carefully when needed,
- developing a sense of control over your sleep.
- Body temperature fluctuations throughout the day are called circadian rhythms. Body temperature is lowest before sunrise, increases gradually until mid-afternoon, drops slightly, then peaks again around early evening. It then drops as we prepare for sleep and continues to fall during the night.
Steps to Eliminate Insomnia
In his book Say Good Night to Insomnia, Dr. Gregg Jacobs outlines six steps to help eliminate insomnia. After assessing your baseline sleep pattern, you begin to notice what may be interfering with your sleep. Here are the steps he suggests.
1. Change Your Thoughts About Sleep
In the story above, Jeff had many negative thoughts about sleep. These thoughts increased his stress and made sleep feel even more impossible. A few more balanced sleep thoughts might include:
- My performance will not necessarily fall apart if I get my core sleep.
- I am probably getting more sleep than I think.
- My daytime functioning is affected by more than sleep alone.
- Since I have survived other nights of insomnia, I can handle this one.
For many people, sleep anxiety becomes a cycle. The more they worry about not sleeping, the harder it becomes to sleep. Therapy can help a person notice these repeating thoughts, soften the fear around them, and develop a more grounded response.
2. Establish Sleep-Promoting Habits
Trying to compensate for lost weekday sleep by sleeping in on weekends can play havoc with the body’s circadian rhythm. Going to bed earlier on Sunday night before you are tired may also not help.
Developing a regular sleep schedule, including a consistent time to get out of bed, supports the body’s natural rhythm. Morning light, activity, and a predictable routine can help the body understand when it is time to wake and when it is time to rest.
3. Notice Lifestyle and Environmental Factors That Affect Sleep
Regular physical exercise can help support the body’s natural temperature rhythm. Sunlight also affects melatonin, a naturally occurring hormone found in the brain, which helps signal changes in body temperature and sleep readiness.
It is usually helpful to reduce or eliminate caffeine later in the day, as caffeine can stay in the body for several hours. Nicotine can also interfere with sleep. While alcohol may make it easier to fall asleep, it can interfere with deep and restorative sleep.
A calmer bedroom environment can also help. A quiet, cool, dark, and comfortable room tells the body that it is safe to rest. Turning off phones, tablets, and other screens before bed can also support a smoother transition into sleep.
4. Use the Relaxation Response
Our body’s inborn counterbalancing mechanism to stress is called the relaxation response. Meditation, breathing exercises, gentle stretching, prayer, quiet music, and other forms of relaxation can help trigger this natural response. When the relaxation response begins, brain wave patterns slow, breathing and heart rate settle, blood flow changes, and muscles begin to relax.
A soothing bedtime routine can help the body learn that the day is ending. This may include dimming lights, reading something calming, taking a warm shower, stretching gently, or practicing slow breathing.
5. Learn to Think Away Your Stress
Negative self-talk is what Jeff was doing in the story above. “If I don’t get some sleep I will never be able function tomorrow!” is the kind of thought that increases fear and keeps the body alert.
Cognitive restructuring and reframing these statements into more balanced and realistic thoughts can help reduce the stress response and increase the chances for sleep. Instead of fighting with sleep, the goal is to reduce the pressure around it.
Sometimes the stress that comes to bed is not only about sleep. It may be about work, grief, caregiving, conflict, loneliness, or a sense of being overwhelmed. When stress has deeper emotional roots, individual therapy can help a person understand the pattern and begin responding to it with more clarity and support.
6. Develop Stress-Reducing, Sleep-Enhancing Attitudes and Beliefs
Optimists live longer than pessimists. They also tend to suffer from insomnia less often. Learning to adopt a more hopeful and balanced set of beliefs can help reduce stress and improve relationships.
This does not mean pretending everything is fine. It means learning to speak to yourself in a way that lowers threat rather than increases it. A kinder internal voice can help the nervous system settle, especially during the quiet hours of the night when worries often feel louder.
When Poor Sleep Affects Relationships
Poor sleep does not only affect the person lying awake at night. It can also affect couples and families. When someone is exhausted, they may become more irritable, withdrawn, reactive, or emotionally unavailable. Small disagreements can become bigger. Partners may feel dismissed or blamed. Family members may begin walking on eggshells.
In couples, lack of sleep can intensify the negative cycle between partners. One person may reach for connection with frustration, while the other pulls away because they feel overwhelmed or depleted. Couples therapy can help partners understand this pattern and begin responding to each other with more safety and care.
In families, ongoing stress and poor sleep can affect the tone of the whole home. Family therapy can help family members slow down repeated conflicts, understand each other’s needs, and rebuild calmer communication.
A Calmer Way Forward
Sleep problems can feel discouraging, especially when every night begins to feel like a test you are afraid of failing. But insomnia often becomes more manageable when people understand the pattern and begin changing the thoughts, habits, stress responses, and routines that keep it going.
Better sleep is not only about closing your eyes. It is about helping the body feel safe enough to rest and helping the mind step back from the pressure to perform sleep perfectly.
If sleep problems are ongoing, severe, or connected to health concerns, it is important to speak with a medical professional. If stress, anxiety, grief, or relationship strain is part of what keeps you awake, therapy can offer a place to understand the emotional pattern and begin finding a more settled way forward.
